I accidentally burped into my bong.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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