Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
