how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
