it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
