don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
where are my eyebrows?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
