she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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