I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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