WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
