Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
