I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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