So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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