My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
