I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Randomize
