____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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