five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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