i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
