After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
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