Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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