hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
