Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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