I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
