I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
