sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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