That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
