So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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