just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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