I think I won the penis lottery.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So apparently I’m into choking now
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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