my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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