I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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