filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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