i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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