I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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