It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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