I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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