I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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