I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
