it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My pussy is not your playground.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My liver just had a heart attack.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm sobbing to NWA
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
