someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can I color on your dick again?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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