I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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