She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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