dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
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