got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
