At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
