yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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