Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
