how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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