Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
