East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
