I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
