I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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