Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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