i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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