theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
